Dear readers: I’m pleased to introduce my newest guest columnist, the Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®! The Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard® has been helping me with difficult personal issues for many years, so I’m pleased to share the wise counsel with a broader audience! Let’s take a look at this week’s batch of letters…
Dear Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®,
My fiancé and I are getting married next June. Unfortunately, my parents went through a bitter divorce many years ago, and each of them is saying they won’t go to my wedding if the other one attends. What should I do?
Perplexed in Peoria
Dear Perplexed,
Here’s an idea: how about you, your fiancé, and your parents sign up for the Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®? You’ll each get 35,000 miles after just $1,000 of purchases in the first 90 days. I can already imagine the four of you enjoying a tropical vacation and working through your differences. It comes with a complimentary first checked bag and 50 percent off a companion ticket, so you can be dancing the hula on the beach in no time! Aloha!
Dear Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®,
I own a professional basketball team, and for many years I’ve been sending really racist emails to my friends about pretty much every ethnic group there is. It turns out my secretary has been saving the emails and now she’s using them to extort me. What should I do?
Nothing But Anonymous
Dear N.B.A.,
Has your secretary considered the Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®? Not only can she use it to take a free trip to Hawaii, but she’ll also be getting double miles on direct purchases from Hawaii Airlines! Who’s got time for extortion when sunny beaches and palm trees beckon? Aloha!
Dear Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®,
Over ten years ago I got into a fight at a bar and beat up another man pretty badly, and then I quickly left before the police got there. Later, I found out he died as a result of his injuries. I got off scot-free, but the guilt has been gnawing at me. On the one hand I want to make amends, but on the other hand I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail. What should I do?
Troubled in Texas
Dear Troubled,
There’s only one thing better than scot-free … and that’s an almost free trip to Hawaii! Whenever I find myself faced with a difficult decision I like to leave all my troubles on the mainland and clear my head with a soothing Hawaiian vacation. And no credit card gets you to Hawaii faster than the Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®! There’s no limit to the miles you can earn, and for you globehoppers there are no transaction fees on foreign purchases. What are you waiting for? Apply for the Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard® today! Aloha!
Personal Finance Digest has an extremely lucrative financial relationship with the Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®. If you successfully apply for so much as a single credit card with one of my links, I will be richer than Croesus.
[EDIT: My affiliate links got pulled shortly after posting this! I’ve removed them.]
Hilarious!
lolololololol
Maybe you could produce templates for BA 🙂
Dear Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®,
I’ve lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. I get up at six o’clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, my Dad thrash me to sleep with his belt! What should I do?
If only the Four Yorkshiremen had a Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®…
really cool article!
Lol- this is great! Reminds me of an SNL skit/jimmy Fallon style.
Can the Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard® make it so that there’s a single link to the Saverocity homepage or forum from this column? I can’t find it.
Click on “Saverocity blogs” at the top of the page.
I almost peed my pants while reading this from laughing so hard….can I use my Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard® to purchse Depends undergarments at the grocery store? If so, is there a category bonus for that?
Yeah, but what should I do if I want to go to Hawaii?
Wow! Thanks, Hawaiian Airlines® World Elite MasterCard®!
Start saving your spare change now, and one day you can afford a ticket and hotel room.
ROTFLMAO….Watch out Bow Tie Boy, TPG and all of BA may copy this format. Oh, wait!
Bwahahahaha. Bust a gut reading this. F Barclays if they can’t take a joke.