There is small group of like minded individuals who are afflicted by a condition that can only be characterized in two words: “The Obsession.”
The Obsession drives people to do crazy things for a dollar. Obsessists, who are otherwise perfectly sane people, spend more time at Walmart than a sane person should. In fact, they go out of their way to go to Walmart. They LOVE Walmart. And they hate Walmart.
Obsessists will go to any lengths to save a dollar. They will waste three hours of their time to buy 28 Disney gift cards in order to save $20. This doesn’t even include the six hours of research it takes to figure out how to save that $20.
Is someone you know taking money for free? You can be sure that person is an Obsessist.
Whenever a new rewards program is announced, you can be sure an Obsessist will be there to figure out how to buy as many Xboxes as possible. In fact, Obsessists will go to any length for a deal – including visiting cities that aren’t worthy of hosting the Olympics just to make some money. In fact, a dream vacation for someone afflicted by The Obsession is any city that contains a strip mall with a Staples, Target, Walmart, and Kroger.
Obsessists know the best way to fill up their own gas. And how to never miss an AMEX Offer.
Obsessists are the only people in the entire world who read Terms and Conditions.
One well known characteristic of The Obsession is the existence of imaginary friends. Kate. Birds. Twitter followers. Helpful Walmart CSRs.
You can always tell when a group of Obsessists gets together. They eat, drink, and chat like regular people. But you can identify groups of Obsessists by the one telltale moment that occurs every time they get together. Regardless of age, gender, or any other identifying characteristics, during a gathering of Obsessists, everyone inevitably pulls all of their credit cards out to compare and contrast. And then they argue about opportunity cost.
The Obsession manifests itself in different ways. Some Obsessists love cold, hard cash. Others like to travel as much as possible as cheaply as possible. Others love to travel in luxury at a great savings over face value. Others just love gaming the system.
That means there is diversity amongst the Obsessist pool. At any given time, three Obsessists might be utilizing The Obsession to realize three different goals. This protects The Obsession from burning out too quickly. Multiple avenues, multiple revenue streams, multiple ways to survive.
Which is important, because one thing about Obsessists – they can be fiercely territorial. The Obsession is a condition that wants to stay hidden, away from the prying eyes of those who would destroy the Obsessists. Every time a deal gets outed, Obsessists weep. Even those who have only been at it for six months. Especially those.
But that’s the thing about Obsessists. Sometimes they can blow things out of proportion. Like the number of people who read Rolling Stone. Or the number of people who watch Nightline, or live TV at all for that matter. Or the number of people who actually read Rolling Stone who actually can put the time in to be part of The Obsession. Or the number of clubs that still play the Macarena. Rest assured, true Obsessists don’t even have time to read. Or watch TV. Or do the Macarena. Or take care of their children. Sometimes.
Becoming a true Obsessist requires dedication. Hard work. Organization. Free time. The true Obsessist never gives up – there is always a deal to be had. When one deal dies, there’s always another one around the corner.
It’s true – The Obsession has gotten harder as time has gone on. More people have tried to become Obsessists, meaning there is at times less profit to be made. Windows close faster than before. The internet happened. Reddit happened. Twitter happened.
But rest assured, if you’re an Obsessist – the game will never get the best of you. You might have to adjust, you might have to change things up, but you’ll come out on top. Because hard work pays off. No matter how much the sky seems to be falling, the true Obsessist comes out ahead. Because they work for it. They earn it. They sacrifice for that dollar. And they’ll get it. Because for The Obsession, people will go to any lengths. For everyone else…it’s just a hobby.
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