Beginner’s Guide to Killing Mosquitos (Mosquitoes? who cares)

I know I mostly write about traveling, but since it has become so relevant I decided to write a little guide to killing mosquitoes. Why don’t I just wear bug repellant? I don’t really like wearing it to sleep, and I also am not sure it’d be good for the baby to ingest it and she is at the stage where she puts her mouth on everything including my arm.

1. Understand the threat is real

But Joe, why should I care about killing mosquitoes? Maybe you don’t, and that’s up to you. But that’s a mistake. Ignore mosquitoes at your own peril, and wake up with itchy red spots!

2. Create lots of ambient light

You need light to spot these little buggers. For me, natural and white light work the best. I prefer sunlight but incandescent light bulbs do the trick.

3. Find areas of the room with white backgrounds

What color are mosquitoes? Black. What’s the easiest color background to see them on? White. SCIENCE.

4. Sit still

Mosquitoes are dumb. They don’t understand logic. Their brains can only physically be the size of pinheads, because they are so small. I don’t know how big their brains are but I believe that to be a reasonable estimate. Anyway, they are dumb but they are also JERKS. They want to drink your blood. OK, technically they want to use their blood to nourish their evil mosquito eggs or something. Whatever, they want your blood.

They like to come to get it when you aren’t moving. So, sit still – they will come out, I guarantee it. Better yet, have your wife or six month old child sit still for you. Ideally, cover the half of you (or your decoy) that you can’t see, that way, the mosquito will be forced to move the fleshy side in your line of sight.

5. When you see a mosquito, your window to act is quick

So make quick, smart decisions. You must be decisive and strong. It will be there one minute, then gone the next.

6. Two hands are better than one

I think mosquitoes have evolved to be able to avoid one handed smashes. Why? Those big wings! When you come at them with one hand, you are actually creating a shockwave of air that the mosquito RIDES TO SAFETY. Science, again. When you come at it from both sides with two hands the mosquito gets pushed to its death. It’s still fast though so move quickly.

7. Be patient

Mosquitoes are tough to kill. You probably won’t get them on your first try. But be patient and calculated, and you will persevere. You are a MAMMAL. They are just an insect.

Anyway, we killed about five mosquitoes using this method. My favorite kill happened when I was putting Baby M to sleep tonight. I had her in the carrier and was rocking her to sleep. She finally fell asleep so I went to go put her down. I unstrapped one side, but as I was about to unstrap the other I saw one of the buggers flitting above M’s head. I had to make a split second decision. Wake the baby or subject her to bites all night? I decided to try to have my cake and eat it too. Holding her with one arm (she was partially unstrapped, remember) I tried to GRAB the mosquito with my right fist. In the process I almost pulled out a tuft of her hair. Alas, I had missed!

But the baby remained asleep and I put her down. But then! As I was getting up off the bed, I saw the carcass of the confounded beast on the ground. I had gotten it! It probably fell into her hair and then fell out. You can put my Father of the Year Award in the mail, thanks!

So next time you see a mosquito – use these steps and KILL it! I can think of no good they bring to this world.

Alright, it’s late, but in seriousness, if anyone has tips for dealing with mosquitoes that aren’t going to be detrimental to the baby, I’m all ears. Maybe bug repellant is safe but that is out for now, but any other options are welcome!